England is in a state of exceptional anger as Jeremy Corbyn snubs his nose at veterans of the British Empire by wearing just one poppy on his lapel for armistice day.
The potty leader of Her Majesty’s Opposition, Jeremy Corbyn, approached the cenotaph today wearing a scruffy Anorak with just one poppy affixed to it.
English patriot Johnathon Remembrance wore 200 poppies on his somber, understated, black coat. “It’s just the least you can do, really,” the father of none said. “My great uncle didn’t die from mustard gas inhalation while securing half a mile of land somewhere in France so His Majesty would have more miles of land than the Keiser, for no reason. And Jeremy Corbyn is just there being a do-gooder. He doesn’t have a clue!”
Mr Remembrance admits it took him 3 hours to pin the 200 poppies to his overcoat, but that it’s “the only possible way to show his thanks” for the half a mile of land which Britain never actually had any claim to.
The sexagenarian politician has stirred controversy on previous Remembrance Sundays. Two years ago, The Sun proved that the career MP failed to bow at a sufficiently respectful angle.
Battler Hastings, 49, says he smoked heroin to honour the day. Speaking from HMP Pentonville, the patriot said, “I normally do snuff, but this year, to show my respect for poppy day, I imported 10kg of heroin, and the police raided me for it. It’s an absolute joke, like what they did with Tommy Robinson!”
The class A drug, derived from the opium poppy, is another symbol of British patriotism which has been censored, critics of political correctness argue. Dan Greatwar, of the Society for Patriotism and Common Sense, thinks the government has overreached its authority. “We would argue that May’s government needs to stop worrying about poppy products being imported into our country, and start getting tough on people who choose to wear fewer than 10 of them.”
Gloria Featherbottom, 109, has a young Staffordshire Bull Terrier strapped across her chest to prove her patriotism. “My great grand daughter phoned me last night to ask me if I would be wearing a poppy this Sunday. My hearing isn’t what it used to be—I thought she wanted me to wear a puppy! My brother Harold would have had a right laugh at that. Sadly he died in the trenches when I was 6. He never lived to see his 16th birthday, bless him.”
When asked about Jeremy Corbyn’s singular poppy, the respectful centenarian recoils in shock. “Here I am, 109 years of age, crippled by arthritis, carrying a 14 pound puppy around my neck to show my respect, and that lazy sod—excuse the French—thinks he can get away with a lone, Royal British Legion approved emblem? I’ll be voting for someone who’s prepared to stand up for our country.”
The Prime Minister says her counterpart in the wacky Labour Party needs to toughen up if he wants to be seen as a serious leader. “Jeremy Corbyn won’t even promise to bring us to war again. How can he respect the memories of the 37 million people who died in the First World War when he won’t even commit himself to pressing the nuclear button and condemning as many more? Britain needs a leader who can stand at the cenotaph and proclaim, proudly: war is good.”