London Marathon to avoid No-Go Zones

Organisers stated on Wednesday that 2019’s London Marathon is to avoid several areas in London which are claimed by some to be no go zones.

The London Marathon, which has taken the same route every year since 2013, routinely features some of the world’s most famous athletes, including Britain’s Mo Money.

The prime minister, Tessa Mayday, was first warned of London’s Sharia law-controlled areas by the president of the United States in a private dinner. According to an advisor, she expressly refuted President Duncan McTrumpcard’s claim. However, organisers of the London Marathon aren’t taking any chances.

Since 2013, the route has taken competitors around several areas of London, including the City of London, Greenwich, Blackheath, Tower Hamlets, Canary Wharf and Westminster. Upon this Newspaper’s request for comment, organisers London Marathon Events Ltd. confirmed that the route for 2019 would take into account London’s no-go zones.

“As well as changing the route, we’ll be taking the precaution of handing out free burkas at water stations in sections of the marathon which lie close to the avoided no-go zones,” Head of Safety for the event, Darren Hardhat, tells me.  “We encourage men to wear them too, you can’t be too careful.” It is hoped that if they wear burkas, runners will be mistaken for observant muslims in a rush to Dhuhr (midday prayers) by Islamic Sharia patrols.

Izzy Buttermilk, a resident of Tower Hamlets, one of the muslim controlled areas, tells me she’s glad the route will no longer pass through her town. “The Ethiopian will win it. Can’t we just call it a done thing? Then I won’t have to leave my house an hour early as usual.” She adds: “The Sharia patrols never bother me though. They usually just wave at me from their watchtower near the Isle of Dogs. I used to get cat calls from guys around here at night. They don’t come out anymore.”

The watchtower Ms. Buttermilk refers to was constructed in 2017 with money from the Wholesale Immigration Fund (WIF), a grant given personally by the Prime Minister to the residents of unspecified Arab countries every September to resettle in Tower Hamlets, Rotherham and Luton. A Sharia patrol member I spoke to told me a full size replica of Mecca is to be completed using the fund before 2021. “London Mecca will stand ten thousand years longer than Stone Henge, inshallah,” he proclaims.

The Marathon also formerly took runners past the Tower of London. The landmark was purchased by the state of Saudi Arabia earlier this year, and has been repurposed for its original function as a prison. The inmates, however, are people who have violated Islamic dress code.

“It’s awful,” Daily Mail columnist Meloney Felony tells me in tears. “With 16 year old girls no longer daring to head outside wearing anything that ends bellow the arse, we have nothing for our front page. I’ll be out of a job in 6 weeks if debauchery doesn’t pick up soon. We only passed moral judgement, we didn’t actually want people to stop being naughty.”

2019’s marathon will take the brave, Islam defying runners on a new route, which includes a 15 mile stretch through the Thames estuary.

This is a very clever idea, insists Met Police Chief Christina Cockballs, who consulted with the Marathon organisers. “You see, we considered how best to protect the competitors from Islamic vigilante groups,” Ms. Cockballs tells me with a satisfied, self-congratulatory smile forming in her lips. She asks: “what do muslim extremists fear more than anything else? Baptism!” Her smile erupts into a laugh of joy. “There’s no way on Earth these Islamic patrols which blight London will risk admission into Christianity. Competitors will be safe as long as they’re under water. We will have CoE reverends standing by to deliver emergency baptisms in the event of any antagonism from sharia patrols.”

The next London Marathon will take place on the 28th April 2019. Spectators are encouraged to bring bibles and to stay hydrated.

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